Year Eight

Well, it's here again. It doesn't seem possible, didn't I just do this? Has it really already been another year? Time moves quickly. Eight years has come and gone. I look back at the changes that have been made over the last 8 years, I look at who I have become, where my family has gone, who my kids are becoming... And I miss him. Still. 

I still want him here, watching his grandson play football, taking his granddaughter on dates... I long to talk to him about so many things. I want to hear his voice, have one of our daddy-daughter dates. He is still in my dreams every night. 

I guess it's apropos he died near Valentine's Day. He loved that day. Daddy's love language was gift-giving. He wasn't always great at expressing his love with words, but he did a stellar job in the gift department, and Valentine's Day was the ultimate expression of that. Jewelry. Nice jewelry. That was his go-to for Valentine's Day. Daddy didn't go half-in on his gifts; he did nothing half-way, whether for the better or worse. 

As I type this I am altering between tears streaming to the point where I cannot see the screen and smiles and laughter as fond memories come racing back.

He wasn't the easiest man to live with, that's for sure. Once he made up his mind, it was law. There was no going back or altering his opinion. He was as stubborn as the day is long. Even more so. I come by that honestly. 

My 1st entry about my dad occurred when he died. I have always loved the written word and can often express myself more thoroughly when writing than speaking. I began to write the day after he died. It was my release. My way of remembering and mourning. It seemed to help, so each year I have continued. I know this is a selfish indulgence, something that only benefits me, but I'm ok with that.  You'd think after 8 years I'd run out of things to say, but that just doesn't seem to be the case. 

You'd think after 8 years I'd be able to go a day without missing him, but that hasn't happened yet either. Maybe someday, but I doubt it. 

In the wee hours of this morning,  about the time he passed, my family was getting to a spot where we could watch an old hotel be imploded. I recognized the time and immediately thought of him. He would have loved to have been there, watching as it fell. He would have seen the drones flying over taking video and immediately decided that he needed one, and then would have gone out and purchased the best one he could find, without hesitation. I can see him playing with it now, figuring out all the buttons and features. 

I have to laugh---and cry---thinking of what could have been. 

The only thing I hold onto is my faith. My faith that he also held the same belief as me, that he had put his trust in Jesus and  because of that is now in a much better place, where cancer and illness cannot ravage him. 

Someday I'll get to see him again. Until that day, I'll keep writing, keep remembering, and I'm sure keep grieving. 

Happy homecoming day, Daddy. You surely are missed down here!  

An Overwhelmed Soul

There is a reason the Bible is called "the living Word". It speaks life into your everyday circumstances. You can read the same verse 100 times and suddenly, in the midst of some trial--or even some joy--in your life, BAM, you see something that was never there before. Truth, life, just right for that moment. 

Last week I saw a post from an author and speaker that I respect, Lysa TerKeurst. It was a link to sign up for a 5 day email devotion called, "Unrush Me". I immediately signed up. Boy do I need to be un-rushed. And just to make sure I realized that truth, I never got around to reading them. At all. Didn't even open the emails. All five came, one each day, and there they set in my inbox. 

You know how it goes. Life just happens. Kids need attention. Presents for Christmas need to be bought. Songs for church need to be practiced. Parties need to be planned. Laundry needs to be done. The list goes on and on. It can bury you. 

15 weeks ago I woke up with a headache. Not just an annoyance, but a real headache. It was bad. I popped some Tylenol and went on about my day. When it was still there that night and then the next morning, and the next, and the next...well, I started to get concerned.  By the time I saw my doctor two weeks later I was miserable.  It was as bad as a migraine, but it wasn't a migraine, that much I knew.  I have had migraines on and off for the last 20 years, I know migraines. This was something else. 

It wasn't that I was having several headaches, it was one headache that just wouldn't end. (At this point I am now singing, "It's the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend...")  

15 weeks later I still don't know why I have this headache. Most of the time I can deal with it, other times it is incapacitating.I  don't have time for this! I have a life to live. I have, well, you know, this list... 

I've started blacking out now, so that's another problem. Who has time for this? I just want to go to bed and stay there. 

I continue to add things to my schedule though. Jake, being the protector, has gotten to the frustrated point where he yells at me and tells me, "no. No more. You are not doing that. Tell them you can't." He does it because he is concerned. I know this. But I hate feeling like I am letting someone down. Like I am failing at life, and right now that is exactly how I feel. Like a failure. I can't do anything to full capacity. I can't even remember commitments, conversations, entire blocks of time.  I am a perfectionist, and that just doesn't mesh well with my personality. 

I know, however, that nothing comes into my life--good or bad--without it passing through God's hands first. So I know He has allowed this for some reason. 

And then Thursday night happened. JD was supposed to leave Friday on a leadership campout up in the mountains with the scouts, so Jake went out into the garage to get something for him to take.  What he found was 2 inches of water surrounding our hot water heater.  We had plans to leave for Arkansas to spend Christmas with family, were already tight on money and trying to figure out how we were going to actually make the trip, then this happens. Awesome. 

Jake's parents were amazing and immediately offered to help, as our Christmas present. They wanted us home for Christmas as much as we wanted to be there. But then pride kicked in. I didn't want their help. I didn't want their money. Jake boiled it down and put it pretty bluntly, "you'd rather stay here and be miserable than except their help and go be with family for Christmas." I'll be honest, it took me a couple of days to swallow my pride. 

We found a brand new water heater on Craig's list, saving a couple of hundred dollars, and a friend offered to help Jake install it, saving more than $500 in instillation costs. 

Friday night Jake was getting the old water heater ready so when our friend came Saturday everything would be set. He put his hand on the wall of the unit and his thumb went right through! Oh.My.Goodness. This could have been SO much worse! This thing was rusted out. Completely. It was about to go any minute. If we hadn't caught it we would have had a serious problem on our hands, especially if it happened while we were in Arkansas. 

The inconvenience became a little less of an annoyance at that point. Thank you, Lord, for letting us catch it when we did. 

So, we're strapped, stressed, but still going to Arkansas. We'll just eat snacks on the way and really watch our spending while there. It won't be easy, but it's doable. Then Sunday came.  Do you know that song, "It's Friday But Sunday's Coming"? If not, find it. 

Sunday morning one lady in the church handed JD and Cora each $20, telling them it was for their food on the way to Arkansas.  She didn't know about the water heater incident. Then another couple hands JD and Cora each a card, telling them not to open them until the trip. Jake and I decided to go ahead and open them, so they wouldn't get lost in packing. More money for the kids.  Another lady came up to Jake and handed him money for the trip. She said she wished she could do more. I am tearing up just thinking of these people and how God used them in our time of need.  We are still strapped, but not nearly as much. It helped my stress-level go down a notch and allowed me to focus on other things besides money issues. 

So, back to the beginning of this post, where I said I didn't have time to read the "Unrush Me" emails. Well, today I decided to take some time. The kids are in class this morning, so I decided instead of driving back across town to our house I would go to this little coffee shop by their school. I would take some time out to sit and read and relax. I read the 1st two email devotions and got a lot out of them, then I got to the 3rd.  Towards the end of the email was a scripture reference. One I have read 1,000 times. One even those who don't know the Bible have heard. Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."  And though that verse really does speak to me right now, it's not what caused me to stop. To pause. To have a catch in my breath and a tear in my eye. It was the verse that came right after it. The one I have obviously read 100s of times, as I've read through the book of Philippians. 

Verse 14 says, "Still, you did well by sharing with me in my hardship."

Paul was saying, yes, I can do all things through Christ's strength. BUT...I don't have to do this alone. I don't have to suffer alone. I don't have to have joys and trials and temptations and stress and and and... I don't have to go through this life alone. Why? Because "you shared with me in my hardship."

We were created as social beings. We were created to help each other. To live life together. To bear one another's burdens. We were never meant to go through this life alone. 

How often do we allow the busy to get in the way of people? We fill our schedules so full--of noble and honorable things--we cannot pause. We cannot stop. We cannot be un-rushed, our souls are spent, we have nothing left to give. And for what purpose? 

We miss out on life. Real life. We miss the opportunity to minister to those around us.  Stop. Pause. Look around. What are we missing by being so "on" all the time?

 

And on the flip side, how often to we keep our burdens to ourselves? How often do we not share with others our trials, our temptations, our stress, or even our joys? How often does pride or embarrassment get in the way? I know it does frequently for me.  I put on a pretty facade. Everything looks all nice and put together on the surface. I've got this. I don't need help. I don't want people to know I'm falling apart inside. Ever been there? We all have.  But Philippians tells us we are to bear each other's burdens.

Yes, I can do this through Christ. I can get through the next days, weeks, months, of this headache. I can deal with the financial stress. I can and will do it. But I don't have to do it alone. God doesn't want that for me. He doesn't want that for you either. 

He wants to use you to reach into the life of...that person. He wants to use someone to reach into your life as well. 

Mcconaughey's List

     I only watched maybe 5 minutes of the Oscars.  I may have watched more, but they are not Jake's cup of tea.  I did, however, catch the replay of Matthew Mcconaughey's acceptance speech.  I've also seen the hundreds of reposts about it.  His list, his "3 things" made me stop and think.  Now, I am not one who normally quotes Hollywood.  Usually the things coming from the mouths of the Hollywood elite do little for me and often repulse me.  It was refreshing to hear one of them say something that made me want to dig deeper, think harder, about my own life.
     For those of you who either didn't see the Oscars or haven't seen the 1,000 posts on social media talking about his speech, here is a link:
Macconaughey's Acceptance Speech
Let me briefly recap part of that speech.  He said, "...There are 3 things to my account that I need each day.  One of them is something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase."  He went on to thank God, who he looks up to, his family, who he looks forward to, and his future self who is his hero and who he chases.
     Now, this is a good list.  It is good to look up to God, it's good to look forward to your family, and it's good to always be striving to be a better person.  But as I pondered that list, I wondered if he got 2 of them backwards and then I made my own list.
     Someone to look up to:  I think your hero, whether that be someone else or your future self, should be someone to look up to.  Who do I look up to? Many people.  My mom and my husband among others.  They make me want to be a better person, a better me in the future.  I would love to say that the 10-years-from-now me is someone I would want as a hero, someone I would look up to and want to be like.  I pray that I am and will strive everyday to become that person.
     Something to look forward to:  I do look forward to my family, my time with them, seeing us grow and develop, watching my kids become amazing human beings.  I look forward to time with Jake, watching our love grow deeper and deeper as the years pass by.  I look forward to my children serving God now and watching as they continue to serve Him and grow in Him into the future.  I look forward to the plans He has for us.  
     Someone to chase:  Who do I want to chase?  I get what Matthew was saying, always pursuing a better you.  That's a noble quest.  However, it's not me, whether past, present or future, who I want to chase.  I'm not worthy of being chased, nor will I ever be.  No, the One I want to chase is Jesus.  I want to follow after Him and His will for my life.  I want to be so enveloped in Him I become a reflection of His love.  I want to pursue Him at all costs, renouncing self, to chase after the only One worthy of my pursuit.   And the amazing thing is, He chased after me!  He met me where I was and offered His love, grace and acceptance free of charge.  He asked for nothing in return except all of me.
     What would your 3 things be?

7 Years Later

     Today is February 10th, which makes it my least favorite day of the year. This is the day my daddy went home.  But I can't just hate this day.  I can't simply hate February 10th. I have to acknowledge other emotions as well.  I know he is no longer in pain, and for the past 7 years has been face-to-face with Jesus.  That's cause for celebration.  So I'm stuck in this alternate dimension that mixes so many emotions it's hard to name them all.  I have joy knowing he is in heaven.  But I still have so much sadness, even now, even 7 years later.  There are still so many times I want to pick up the phone and ask him a question.  I hate that his grandkids don't get to spend time with him.  I miss our dates, that we still took even when I became an adult.  I still dream about him every night.
     Today is February 10th.  This day will always play such a pivotal role in my life.  It was the day I not only lost my daddy, but one of my very best friends. If ever there was a daddy's girl, it was me...almost to a fault.  I couldn't stay mad at him if I tried.  He was not a perfect man by far.  There are moments that play in my mind's eye I wish I could erase.  Moments I wish never happened.  But they did and for better or worse I am who I am because of those moments.  But I am also who I am because of the millions upon millions of wonderful, exceptional, perfect moments I had with my daddy.  Moments where it was just the two of us and the whole world faded away.  Moments where we'd be driving somewhere and we'd belt out songs, laugh, and have deep discussions.  Moments I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world.
     Today is February 10th.  Part of me feels like a lost little girl on this day.  I truly do hate this day.  Even though I know he suffered way too long.  Even though I know Christ was his savior and he is now in heaven.  Even though I know he was ready.  I hate this day.  I will always hate this day.
     Today is February 10th, and as has become my custom since his death, I am writing my reflections, my tribute to my daddy.  I wonder after so many years if I have anything new to add or if I am just spinning out the same old blog year after year.  But here I sit, writing again.  
     Today is February 10th.  I knew this day was coming up, but I was so busy with the kids' school this morning I forgot for a brief moment what the date was.  It didn't take long to remember, but for that brief moment it was just a normal day, a day like any other.   
     Today is February 10th.  Those of you who have been reading my tributes each year know how special, how wonderful my daddy was.  Those of you who had the privilege of actually knowing him know my words don't come close to describing that.  Even recently I heard stories of people who were impacted by my daddy's life.  May I have a life so impactful to the world!
    Today is February 10th, and this year my tribute is going to be different.  So bare with me as I attempt to get this out.

Daddy

I hate that you were taken from me.

It's hard to think, hard to breathe.

Even now, as the years have passed,

I still feel your life was taken way too fast.

I remember often the days we spent

laughing and talking and all the places we went.

I know to celebrate your lack of pain

But this world without you is just not the same.

You bore so many hats in life,

You were Doug, Uncle Doug, Grandaddy and the like.

But to your kids there was only one thing we knew

You were daddy. No other name would do.

One day soon we will meet again,

and in that moment it won't matter how long it's been.

As we worship the Father and walk through heaven

I won't even remember February 10, 2007.

"My Friend"

When I was young, sometime in elementary school, I came across a poem. I don't remember how or where, just that it spoke to the depths of my soul. 

I wrote it down in a notebook--you know, one of those yellow, legal-sized ones that tear off at the top? I even remember where I was sitting when I wrote it.  It's funny I remember that. Anyway, I spent time reading and rereading this poem. I memorized every word. I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, but it rang so true to me then. True enough to remain with me for years to come. 

Since becoming an adult I would still occasionally hear parts of this poem in the back of my head.  I knew the 1st few lines, but would have trouble remembering the rest. At one point several years back I tried, unsuccessfully, to find it. 

Google is an amazing thing though, now. I typed in the 1st line and "poof", instantly I had my choice of websites quoting this poem in some form or another. Once I saw it, the words came rushing back. The sites I found didn't have it verbatim to how I learned it, so I'm choosing to write it down the way I memorized it 20-something years ago. 

Before I share the poem with you, let me explain why it meant so much to me then, and why it once again speaks to me now.  The poem is written from the perspective of someone who has died. It is addressed to his friend, who turns out wasn't a good friend at all. Reading this poem brings me such conviction. How I live my life, what I say, or don't say, to those I call friends, is so important. 
If I truly believe what I say I believe, am I being a friend if I don't share it?!?

Am I making, have I made, an eternal impact in someone's life??? I pray the answer is yes.

"My Friend" -author unknown 

My friend, I stand in judgment now

And feel that you’re to blame somehow

While on earth I walked with you day by day

Never did you point the way

You knew the Lord in truth and glory

But never did you tell the story

My knowledge then was very dim

You could have led me straight to Him

Though we lived together on the earth

You never told me of your second birth

And now I stand this day condemned

Because you failed to mention Him

You taught me many things, that’s true

I called you friend and trusted you 

But now I learn, when it’s too late

You could have kept me from this fate

We walked by day and talked by night

And yet you showed me not the light

You let me live, love and die

You knew I'd never live on high.

Yes, I called you "friend" in life,
And trusted you through joy and strife,
And yet on coming to the end --
I cannot now call you "friend".

An Unpopular View

The inspiration for my blogs comes from various sources.  Life experience, everyday occurrences, things I hear others say, my husband's sermons.  This post was inspired by the latter.  Fortunately he provides ample space on the back of the bulletin for notes, because lately the insights and revelations I have been given during his sermons come so quickly I have trouble writing fast enough to remember what to write and to still pay attention enough to hear the next.  This is all an aside, really, to what this blog is about.  I just felt the need to give a little background.


What you are about to read is not a popular world view.  You may get offended.  You may totally disagree.  This post may anger you.  Though that is not my intent in writing it, that's okay.  After all, I did give you fair warning. :)

We all know the story of Adam and Eve.  If you don't, here is an extremely brief synopsis:  Adam was the 1st human created.  Eve was created to be his companion, his helpmate.  They lived in complete peace and harmony with God and nature in the Garden of Eden.  Satan lies and deceives Eve, tricking her into eating fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  She then woos her husband into eating it as well.  They instantly realize they are naked and feel ashamed.  They hide from God.  Their sin caused bloodshed.  In order to clothe them, God kills an animal.  Their disobedience did not just affect them--disobedience rarely just affects the person committing it.  

Before the bloodshed, however, came the blame.  God asks Adam how he knew he was naked.  (Another aside here.  God knew why, God knows and sees everything, even before it happens, He wanted Adam to own up--as he does with all of us.)


So, the blame-game begins.  Adam responds, "It was that woman You gave me--she gave me some fruit and I ate it."  (Notice, he not only blamed the woman, he blamed God for giving her to him.)
But it doesn't stop there, God then asks Eve.  Eve doesn't want the blame either--I'm sure the look she gave Adam when he threw her under the bus was priceless.  She blames the devil.  "It was the serpent.  He tricked me and I ate."  
This blame-game continues on today.  We have a hard time owning up to our faults, to our digressions, to our---sins. We see it in our children, but adults are just the same.

Yes, Satan had some blame in this.  He was cursed and will eventually suffer for eternity, not just for this sin, but ultimately for the sin of trying to make himself equal with God.

Now here comes the unpopular view.  Even though some blame also fell to Eve, she is not where God put the main penalty for sin.  That fell to Adam.  Why?  Because men are to be the head of the household.  Now, hear me out.  I am not saying men are superior to women.  I am not saying men are more intelligent than women.  God created men and women to be co-heirs to Christ's sacrificial gift of life.  What I'm talking about goes much deeper than the semantics of who's better than whom.

I don't want the job of head of the household.  Do you know why?  Because the head of the household is the one who holds all the responsibility, good or bad.  Do you know the saying, "the buck stops here"? 

Jake and I make decisions together.  He doesn't lord his "headship" over me.  We decided together how to raise our kids.  We work together to decide how the household is run, how our money is spent, how we live.  We are equal partners in that sense.  
There are times when my idea is the one we use.  That doesn't make me the head that day.  Ultimately, when the chips fall, if the decision was a bad one, it's still on Jake.  It's his responsibility to own up to and pay for our choices.   He is the one that is to stand in the way of the gate of hell for our family.  It's his responsibility to lead and guide our family spiritually.  He will answer to God for how he led--or didn't lead--our family.   

Ultimately, the blame fell to Adam because he was the one given the command not to eat the fruit.  He was put as the head of his household.  He could have and should have stopped Eve.  And even if he didn't stop Eve, he didn't have to partake of it himself.

Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I am not giving women a free-ride here.  This doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want and let our husbands take the fall.  Absolutely not.  What  I am saying is the husband is to be the covering of the home.  The protector.  The defender.  The umbrella, if you will.  

I understand that this isn't always the case.  Some men refuse to step up and take this position, but some women also refuse to step-down and allow them to...
In the case where the man will not own up to his God-given place in the home, it does fall to the mom.  In the end, the man will still have to answer for his family, whether he was there for them or not.

Even though some good came from it, women's lib hurt our world more than we'll ever know!   We yanked the manhood away from men.  It's time we give it back to them.  
I pray we have an awakening in our marriages.  I pray for an awakening in our men, to rise up and be men.  Look to Christ as your example of how to lead! Do not lord your authority, but lead with love and tenderness and understanding.  Be willing to lay down your life for your wife and your children.  Take the responsibility you were given.  Be a servant-leader!  Protect!  Stand in the gap!  

The Guarantee of a Promise

Our church is currently going through the book of Romans on Sunday mornings.  I have read this book in the Bible, I don't know, countless times.  I love that I am learning each Sunday, that God is speaking to me on a personal level, applying truths to my life.  That's what is so wonderful about God's Word.  It is living.  It applies to your life where you are now.  You can read the same scripture a 1,000 times and you can get something from it 1,000 times.  I could have read a verse a few years ago, reread it now that I'm in a totally different place in life, and the passage can mean so much more.  I love how that works.

Last Sunday Jake spoke from the last part of Romans chapter 4.  He spoke on guarantees.  As a believer I have a guarantee of grace, I have a guarantee of a promise and I have a guarantee of justification through Christ.  I want to expound on the guarantee of a promise.  

Jake said something Sunday morning that really stuck out to me.  "Physical evidence doesn't always line up with God's promises." Romans 4:18-21 says, "¹⁸ He believed, hoping against hope, so that he became the father of many nations^[a] according to what had been spoken: So will your descendants be.^[b] 19 He considered^[c] his own body to be already dead (since he was about 100 years old) and also considered the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in the faith. ²⁰ He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, ²¹ because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform."

God had promised Abraham descendants too numerous to count.  The physical evidence seemed to prove otherwise.  Abraham was old-- about 100--and his wife Sarah was 90.  By all physical proof it would seem impossible for them to have children this late in the game.  God's promise outweighed the physical evidence.  

Look at Job.  Without quoting the entire book, let me give you a rundown.  Satan thinks that the only reason Job worships God is because God has blessed him so abundantly.  God grants Satan permission to attack all of Job's possessions, leaving him destitute.  He lost everything, including his children.  When this wasn't enough to cause him to stop worshiping God Satan asked to strike his health.  At this point Job is unrecognizable...and we're only into chapter 2!  The last verses of the chapter brings his friends into the picture.  It says, "¹² When they looked from a distance, they could barely recognize him. They wept aloud, and each man tore his robe and threw dust into the air and on his head. ¹³ Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense."

Saying that Job was at an all-time low would be the understatement of the year.  He lost everything, every physical possession, his children and now his health.  His body was so mangled with boils and disease his friends couldn't even recognize him.  They were so distraught none of them could even speak for a week!  Every inch of this physical evidence would point to a curse from God.  It would seem God had turned His back on Job.  We would ask, "How could a loving God allow this?"  Physical evidence isn't always accurate.  

Job is depressed, to say the least.  He is questioning why God even allowed him to be born. However, even through all this He won't curse God.  His wife even came to him and said, "Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!” He responded to her,“You speak as a foolish woman speaks. Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?” Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said.
However, he is bitter and quite frankly having himself a grand ol' pitty party.  (But who could blame him, though, right?)  The end of the book shows God speaking to Job and Job finally coming to his senses again, realizing how much God truly loved him and asking God to forgive his pettiness.  Chapter 43:10 says, "the Lord restored his prosperity and doubled his previous possessions."  

All physical evidence during that time of Job's life pointed towards God turning His back on him.  Physical evidence doesn't always line up with God's promises.

There may be something you are going through right now.  You may not understand why it is happening, how God could allow it.  You may question what the outcome will be, how you are going to get through it.  I promise you this, if you turn your face towards the Savior, He will get you through.  It may not turn out the way you had planned.  Your life may not look like what you expected, but you will end up exactly where He wants you.  You cannot do it on your own, however.  You need Jesus.  He will never leave you or forsake you, even if everyone and everything in your life does.  Call out to Him.  His promises are true.