7 Years Later

     Today is February 10th, which makes it my least favorite day of the year. This is the day my daddy went home.  But I can't just hate this day.  I can't simply hate February 10th. I have to acknowledge other emotions as well.  I know he is no longer in pain, and for the past 7 years has been face-to-face with Jesus.  That's cause for celebration.  So I'm stuck in this alternate dimension that mixes so many emotions it's hard to name them all.  I have joy knowing he is in heaven.  But I still have so much sadness, even now, even 7 years later.  There are still so many times I want to pick up the phone and ask him a question.  I hate that his grandkids don't get to spend time with him.  I miss our dates, that we still took even when I became an adult.  I still dream about him every night.
     Today is February 10th.  This day will always play such a pivotal role in my life.  It was the day I not only lost my daddy, but one of my very best friends. If ever there was a daddy's girl, it was me...almost to a fault.  I couldn't stay mad at him if I tried.  He was not a perfect man by far.  There are moments that play in my mind's eye I wish I could erase.  Moments I wish never happened.  But they did and for better or worse I am who I am because of those moments.  But I am also who I am because of the millions upon millions of wonderful, exceptional, perfect moments I had with my daddy.  Moments where it was just the two of us and the whole world faded away.  Moments where we'd be driving somewhere and we'd belt out songs, laugh, and have deep discussions.  Moments I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world.
     Today is February 10th.  Part of me feels like a lost little girl on this day.  I truly do hate this day.  Even though I know he suffered way too long.  Even though I know Christ was his savior and he is now in heaven.  Even though I know he was ready.  I hate this day.  I will always hate this day.
     Today is February 10th, and as has become my custom since his death, I am writing my reflections, my tribute to my daddy.  I wonder after so many years if I have anything new to add or if I am just spinning out the same old blog year after year.  But here I sit, writing again.  
     Today is February 10th.  I knew this day was coming up, but I was so busy with the kids' school this morning I forgot for a brief moment what the date was.  It didn't take long to remember, but for that brief moment it was just a normal day, a day like any other.   
     Today is February 10th.  Those of you who have been reading my tributes each year know how special, how wonderful my daddy was.  Those of you who had the privilege of actually knowing him know my words don't come close to describing that.  Even recently I heard stories of people who were impacted by my daddy's life.  May I have a life so impactful to the world!
    Today is February 10th, and this year my tribute is going to be different.  So bare with me as I attempt to get this out.

Daddy

I hate that you were taken from me.

It's hard to think, hard to breathe.

Even now, as the years have passed,

I still feel your life was taken way too fast.

I remember often the days we spent

laughing and talking and all the places we went.

I know to celebrate your lack of pain

But this world without you is just not the same.

You bore so many hats in life,

You were Doug, Uncle Doug, Grandaddy and the like.

But to your kids there was only one thing we knew

You were daddy. No other name would do.

One day soon we will meet again,

and in that moment it won't matter how long it's been.

As we worship the Father and walk through heaven

I won't even remember February 10, 2007.

"My Friend"

When I was young, sometime in elementary school, I came across a poem. I don't remember how or where, just that it spoke to the depths of my soul. 

I wrote it down in a notebook--you know, one of those yellow, legal-sized ones that tear off at the top? I even remember where I was sitting when I wrote it.  It's funny I remember that. Anyway, I spent time reading and rereading this poem. I memorized every word. I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, but it rang so true to me then. True enough to remain with me for years to come. 

Since becoming an adult I would still occasionally hear parts of this poem in the back of my head.  I knew the 1st few lines, but would have trouble remembering the rest. At one point several years back I tried, unsuccessfully, to find it. 

Google is an amazing thing though, now. I typed in the 1st line and "poof", instantly I had my choice of websites quoting this poem in some form or another. Once I saw it, the words came rushing back. The sites I found didn't have it verbatim to how I learned it, so I'm choosing to write it down the way I memorized it 20-something years ago. 

Before I share the poem with you, let me explain why it meant so much to me then, and why it once again speaks to me now.  The poem is written from the perspective of someone who has died. It is addressed to his friend, who turns out wasn't a good friend at all. Reading this poem brings me such conviction. How I live my life, what I say, or don't say, to those I call friends, is so important. 
If I truly believe what I say I believe, am I being a friend if I don't share it?!?

Am I making, have I made, an eternal impact in someone's life??? I pray the answer is yes.

"My Friend" -author unknown 

My friend, I stand in judgment now

And feel that you’re to blame somehow

While on earth I walked with you day by day

Never did you point the way

You knew the Lord in truth and glory

But never did you tell the story

My knowledge then was very dim

You could have led me straight to Him

Though we lived together on the earth

You never told me of your second birth

And now I stand this day condemned

Because you failed to mention Him

You taught me many things, that’s true

I called you friend and trusted you 

But now I learn, when it’s too late

You could have kept me from this fate

We walked by day and talked by night

And yet you showed me not the light

You let me live, love and die

You knew I'd never live on high.

Yes, I called you "friend" in life,
And trusted you through joy and strife,
And yet on coming to the end --
I cannot now call you "friend".

An Unpopular View

The inspiration for my blogs comes from various sources.  Life experience, everyday occurrences, things I hear others say, my husband's sermons.  This post was inspired by the latter.  Fortunately he provides ample space on the back of the bulletin for notes, because lately the insights and revelations I have been given during his sermons come so quickly I have trouble writing fast enough to remember what to write and to still pay attention enough to hear the next.  This is all an aside, really, to what this blog is about.  I just felt the need to give a little background.


What you are about to read is not a popular world view.  You may get offended.  You may totally disagree.  This post may anger you.  Though that is not my intent in writing it, that's okay.  After all, I did give you fair warning. :)

We all know the story of Adam and Eve.  If you don't, here is an extremely brief synopsis:  Adam was the 1st human created.  Eve was created to be his companion, his helpmate.  They lived in complete peace and harmony with God and nature in the Garden of Eden.  Satan lies and deceives Eve, tricking her into eating fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.  She then woos her husband into eating it as well.  They instantly realize they are naked and feel ashamed.  They hide from God.  Their sin caused bloodshed.  In order to clothe them, God kills an animal.  Their disobedience did not just affect them--disobedience rarely just affects the person committing it.  

Before the bloodshed, however, came the blame.  God asks Adam how he knew he was naked.  (Another aside here.  God knew why, God knows and sees everything, even before it happens, He wanted Adam to own up--as he does with all of us.)


So, the blame-game begins.  Adam responds, "It was that woman You gave me--she gave me some fruit and I ate it."  (Notice, he not only blamed the woman, he blamed God for giving her to him.)
But it doesn't stop there, God then asks Eve.  Eve doesn't want the blame either--I'm sure the look she gave Adam when he threw her under the bus was priceless.  She blames the devil.  "It was the serpent.  He tricked me and I ate."  
This blame-game continues on today.  We have a hard time owning up to our faults, to our digressions, to our---sins. We see it in our children, but adults are just the same.

Yes, Satan had some blame in this.  He was cursed and will eventually suffer for eternity, not just for this sin, but ultimately for the sin of trying to make himself equal with God.

Now here comes the unpopular view.  Even though some blame also fell to Eve, she is not where God put the main penalty for sin.  That fell to Adam.  Why?  Because men are to be the head of the household.  Now, hear me out.  I am not saying men are superior to women.  I am not saying men are more intelligent than women.  God created men and women to be co-heirs to Christ's sacrificial gift of life.  What I'm talking about goes much deeper than the semantics of who's better than whom.

I don't want the job of head of the household.  Do you know why?  Because the head of the household is the one who holds all the responsibility, good or bad.  Do you know the saying, "the buck stops here"? 

Jake and I make decisions together.  He doesn't lord his "headship" over me.  We decided together how to raise our kids.  We work together to decide how the household is run, how our money is spent, how we live.  We are equal partners in that sense.  
There are times when my idea is the one we use.  That doesn't make me the head that day.  Ultimately, when the chips fall, if the decision was a bad one, it's still on Jake.  It's his responsibility to own up to and pay for our choices.   He is the one that is to stand in the way of the gate of hell for our family.  It's his responsibility to lead and guide our family spiritually.  He will answer to God for how he led--or didn't lead--our family.   

Ultimately, the blame fell to Adam because he was the one given the command not to eat the fruit.  He was put as the head of his household.  He could have and should have stopped Eve.  And even if he didn't stop Eve, he didn't have to partake of it himself.

Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I am not giving women a free-ride here.  This doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want and let our husbands take the fall.  Absolutely not.  What  I am saying is the husband is to be the covering of the home.  The protector.  The defender.  The umbrella, if you will.  

I understand that this isn't always the case.  Some men refuse to step up and take this position, but some women also refuse to step-down and allow them to...
In the case where the man will not own up to his God-given place in the home, it does fall to the mom.  In the end, the man will still have to answer for his family, whether he was there for them or not.

Even though some good came from it, women's lib hurt our world more than we'll ever know!   We yanked the manhood away from men.  It's time we give it back to them.  
I pray we have an awakening in our marriages.  I pray for an awakening in our men, to rise up and be men.  Look to Christ as your example of how to lead! Do not lord your authority, but lead with love and tenderness and understanding.  Be willing to lay down your life for your wife and your children.  Take the responsibility you were given.  Be a servant-leader!  Protect!  Stand in the gap!  

The Guarantee of a Promise

Our church is currently going through the book of Romans on Sunday mornings.  I have read this book in the Bible, I don't know, countless times.  I love that I am learning each Sunday, that God is speaking to me on a personal level, applying truths to my life.  That's what is so wonderful about God's Word.  It is living.  It applies to your life where you are now.  You can read the same scripture a 1,000 times and you can get something from it 1,000 times.  I could have read a verse a few years ago, reread it now that I'm in a totally different place in life, and the passage can mean so much more.  I love how that works.

Last Sunday Jake spoke from the last part of Romans chapter 4.  He spoke on guarantees.  As a believer I have a guarantee of grace, I have a guarantee of a promise and I have a guarantee of justification through Christ.  I want to expound on the guarantee of a promise.  

Jake said something Sunday morning that really stuck out to me.  "Physical evidence doesn't always line up with God's promises." Romans 4:18-21 says, "¹⁸ He believed, hoping against hope, so that he became the father of many nations^[a] according to what had been spoken: So will your descendants be.^[b] 19 He considered^[c] his own body to be already dead (since he was about 100 years old) and also considered the deadness of Sarah’s womb, without weakening in the faith. ²⁰ He did not waver in unbelief at God’s promise but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, ²¹ because he was fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform."

God had promised Abraham descendants too numerous to count.  The physical evidence seemed to prove otherwise.  Abraham was old-- about 100--and his wife Sarah was 90.  By all physical proof it would seem impossible for them to have children this late in the game.  God's promise outweighed the physical evidence.  

Look at Job.  Without quoting the entire book, let me give you a rundown.  Satan thinks that the only reason Job worships God is because God has blessed him so abundantly.  God grants Satan permission to attack all of Job's possessions, leaving him destitute.  He lost everything, including his children.  When this wasn't enough to cause him to stop worshiping God Satan asked to strike his health.  At this point Job is unrecognizable...and we're only into chapter 2!  The last verses of the chapter brings his friends into the picture.  It says, "¹² When they looked from a distance, they could barely recognize him. They wept aloud, and each man tore his robe and threw dust into the air and on his head. ¹³ Then they sat on the ground with him seven days and nights, but no one spoke a word to him because they saw that his suffering was very intense."

Saying that Job was at an all-time low would be the understatement of the year.  He lost everything, every physical possession, his children and now his health.  His body was so mangled with boils and disease his friends couldn't even recognize him.  They were so distraught none of them could even speak for a week!  Every inch of this physical evidence would point to a curse from God.  It would seem God had turned His back on Job.  We would ask, "How could a loving God allow this?"  Physical evidence isn't always accurate.  

Job is depressed, to say the least.  He is questioning why God even allowed him to be born. However, even through all this He won't curse God.  His wife even came to him and said, "Do you still retain your integrity? Curse God and die!” He responded to her,“You speak as a foolish woman speaks. Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?” Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said.
However, he is bitter and quite frankly having himself a grand ol' pitty party.  (But who could blame him, though, right?)  The end of the book shows God speaking to Job and Job finally coming to his senses again, realizing how much God truly loved him and asking God to forgive his pettiness.  Chapter 43:10 says, "the Lord restored his prosperity and doubled his previous possessions."  

All physical evidence during that time of Job's life pointed towards God turning His back on him.  Physical evidence doesn't always line up with God's promises.

There may be something you are going through right now.  You may not understand why it is happening, how God could allow it.  You may question what the outcome will be, how you are going to get through it.  I promise you this, if you turn your face towards the Savior, He will get you through.  It may not turn out the way you had planned.  Your life may not look like what you expected, but you will end up exactly where He wants you.  You cannot do it on your own, however.  You need Jesus.  He will never leave you or forsake you, even if everyone and everything in your life does.  Call out to Him.  His promises are true.  

Today is February 10th

February 10th is a reflection day for me... Well, it has been for the last several years.  February 10 is forever marked as the worst day of my life.  February 10 changed my life forever.  I don't really like February 10.

February 10 was the day my daddy left this world and entered into eternity. It's been 6 years now.  6 years.  As I type that I have to stop and look and count backwards.  Has it really been that long?  Yes.  It has.  6 years worth of wanting to pick up the phone and call him.  6 years worth of dates I miss him taking me on.  6 years worth of wishing he was here to see his grandkids, and now great-grandkids, grow.  6 years of an emptiness and ache words cannot possibly come close to describing.  6 years.

The carnal side of me thinks he left this world way too soon.  You're not supposed to lose a parent that young.  There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about him, dream about him, wish I had him here.  

I understand why he's gone--most of the time.  He suffered terribly.  His life was consumed with more physical pain than most people could endure.  The last 17 months of his life we had to watch him literally die.  We had to watch as his body slowly gave up.  It wasn't easy.
I remember the last night he was here.  JD and Cora and I had been over visiting him, as we had been every other night that week.  His birthday would be approaching soon, February 26, and Cora began to discuss what she wanted for Grandaddy's birthday.  My little 4 year old spoke from the backseat, "Do you know what I want for Grandaddy's birthday?  I want God to heal him, and if God can't heal him here I want Him to take him to Heaven so he will be healed there."  He died less than 6 hours later.  The faith and prayer of a child.

Everyone who knew Doug Haynie was blessed.  There was no one like my daddy.  Whether he was Daddy (even my brother called him that), Grandaddy, Uncle Doug, a husband,  a brother, a nephew, your friend, your pharmacist... He left a permanent and unmistakable mark on your life.  
He was the man who got a call at 2AM from a sick client who needed his medicine right away--and would go.  He was the man who, when his brothers or sister needed help, would go, no questions asked.  He was the man who took every Wednesday off from work to spend with his baby daughter.  He was the man who endured bands like Marky Mark, Warrant, Trixter and Firehouse, and many others, just to spend time with me.  He was the man who let his 1st granddaughter, Brittnee, run through his pharmacy full-speed, knocking everything she could touch off the shelves, making his employees run after her picking up.  He was the man who, when their parents told them they couldn't go swimming, pushed his granddaughters, Haleigh and Alyssa, into the pool, fully clothed.  He liked bending those rules just a bit.


Friday, out of the blue, Cora asked me if I thought Grandaddy could look down on her from heaven.  She's asked this before in the past.  I told her I wasn't for sure, but the Bible says all of Heaven rejoices when one comes to Christ.  I know for sure he was ecstatic and celebrating when she and JD gave their lives to the LORD and he is waiting for the day when we join him. 
I look forward to that day too.

Knowing he was going to die, my dad had the opportunity to plan what he wanted for his funeral.  He chose several verses, like Psalm 121, speaking of God's love and faithfulness.  He also wanted to be sure the Gospel was presented clearly.  He didn't want anyone to question where he was going, or how they could get there too.  
He was ready to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." 

Knowing that brings me peace.  Knowing he was ready, that he knew Who his Savior was, knowing he is no longer suffering and I will one day get to see him again brings me comfort.  Without that I would be completely consumed with grief, even now.

For the time being I am resigned to being here, completing the work God has for me on this earth.  My daddy had completed his.  

Not Because of Faith

"Faith is not the cause of our salvation, it is the means to our salvation."  Read that again.  "Faith is not the cause of our salvation, it is the means to our salvation." 

Now stay with me here.  Let me dig into this a bit.  
Jake made that quote on Sunday during his sermon.  Fortunately he repeated it and I wrote it down so I could let it sink in.  The 1st time I heard him say it I immediately thought, "Wait a second, our faith in Jesus is exactly what saves us!"  But when I heard it again and reread it I got what he was saying.  If our salvation is based on our faith, then we can boast in ourselves..."Oh, my faith is so great--I have such a deep faith," etc. etc. etc.  But we can't boast in ourselves.  It's not about us.  It's not about me and it's not about you.  It's about God.  

God's grace and mercy are the cause of our salvation.  Nothing else.  

The means He uses to give us that grace and mercy is through our faith in Jesus.  HE loved us so much He chose to die for our sins. 
He didn't die for us because we were worthy, we are worthy because He died for us.  We get that backwards sometimes.  
Ephesians 2: 8-9 says,  ^"For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves; it is God’s gift—not from works, so that no one can boast."

That's exactly what I'm talking about here.  We are saved by grace THROUGH our faith, not BECAUSE of our faith.  
If our salvation depends on our faith, then we are hopeless because our faith wavers.  If our salvation depends on something-anything- we have done or could do then His death on the cross was pointless.  We would have to earn our way to Heaven---something we could never do.  
Fortunately, that's not the case.  God loves us so much He wants to give us the free gift of life.  The cause of this gift is His unwavering, incomprehensible love and mercy for an undeserving people.  
It's not about me.  It's all about Him.

How do we get through this?

In the wake of last Friday's murders many people have been posing all sorts of questions, comments and concerns about the state of our nation.  How could these brutal attacks happen?  What was the cause?  Should we have a discussion on gun control?  How can I let my kids go back to school? Where was God?  How could He let this happen? Is there anywhere we are safe? ...The questions, the fear, the anger and confusion go on and on.

Here is my take on this unthinkable and comprehensible tragedy.  
Let me first just get the political issue out of the way so I can get to what is really important.  There are already plenty of laws on the books about gun control. Adding more gun control--or even taking away our right to own guns--is not the answer.  People with intent to harm others will find a way to do so, laws or not.  This would not restrict access to thieves and murderers, it would restrict access to law-abiding citizens, making it impossible for them to defend themselves.
Now that I have that out of the way, let me get on the the "meat and potatoes" of the issue. 

We cannot go about our lives living in fear because of these tragedies occurring.  If we do that we'll never go anywhere, do anything.  There isn't a single place in this world that you can be 100% physically safe.  The reason is because this world is full of sin.  It is a fallen world.  When Satan chose to try and become like God and was thrown out of Heaven he wanted to bring everyone he could down with him.  He tricked Adam and Eve in the Garden.  When Eve ate that fruit, it not only brought sin upon her, it not only brought sin upon her offspring, it brought sin into the very earth itself.  The earth was created as a perfect place, sin is what has brought it to the state it is in today.  The earth is groaning now, knowing the end is coming closer and closer.  

Our only hope is to put our faith in Jesus.  We can't turn to "religion", to politics, to another person for answers, for hope... We won't find it there.  There are not many ways of getting to God.  There is one way.  We aren't all working our way to the same destiny.  That's a lie Satan has brought about to fool people into believing that they can earn their way to good by doing good. It's a lie.  
There's an image I've seen of a god--maybe the God--standing at the top of a mountain.  There are people all around it going up it in various ways.  The point of this image is that we all use various ways to get to God but they all work.  Not so.
The amazing thing is that we don't have to work our way up that mountain!  God came down to us.  We have a debt to pay.  "For the wages of sin is death."  Our debt for the sin we commit is death--spiritual death--complete separation from God, our Creator.  There is no way we can ever pay that debt off.  Ever.  But God loved us SO much He chose to take our place. "But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our LORD." 
Jesus came to this earth, leaving His throne, to pay our debt for us.  He lived a sinless life--the only one ever to do so on this earth--and because it was a sinless life, He had no debt to pay.  Instead, He went to the cross, taking on every sin ever committed and ever to be committed.  When He cried out on the cross, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?"  It was because every sin had been poured into Him.  God, being perfect, cannot look upon sin.  He turned His face from Jesus.  What pain that must have been.  The God-head, the trinity, separated for the first time in eternity...All because the love for a dying and sinful humanity was so great.

We were created for a purpose.  We are the only creation to be made in the image of God.  Why?  Because our purpose is to fellowship with God.  The dogs, birds, fish, trees...they weren't created in His image.  We were.  Out of all creation God chose humans.  What an awesome and humbling privilege.  

God hasn't destroyed those on the earth who do evil yet because He wants no one to perish.  He desires that everyone come to Him in saving faith.  God doesn't delight in evil, but He is patient, wanting everyone to choose Him.  He will not force Himself upon someone.  It is a choice every person has to make.  You can choose not to believe in Him.  You can choose to believe there is no God at all, that there are many gods, that there is no Heaven or Hell--that is your right.  Your choice will have an eternal consequence.  During this life we have a choice.  After we die there is no choice, no second chance.  

And as we saw on Friday, there is no telling when our life will end.  Now is the time.  You can't live your life thinking you'll wait until you're old to "find God".  You can't simply coast through life thinking you have all the time in the world.   You can't simply say your good enough.  You're not.  None of us are.  And none of us are promised tomorrow, or our even next breath.  It is my earnest prayer that if you are reading this and have not called out on the name of God you will do so right now.  "The Lord is near to all you call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth."  There isn't some magical prayer to pray. He knows your heart.  He is right there waiting.

I had no fear taking my children to school today.  Not because I'm living in some fantasy world where I think no harm could ever come to them, not because I think we live in a safe neighborhood and they are in good schools.  None of that matters.  I had no fear taking my kids to school today because I know if something were to happen to them they would be in Heaven.  I know this because I was there when they each asked Jesus to come into their hearts and save them.  I have seen them grow in their faith and knowledge of God.  I have seen their desires moving from just their own salvation to the salvation of their friends and family.  I have seen the change that takes place in a person's life when s/he truly accepts Jesus as his/her savior.  I know that if something were to happen to my two beautiful children I would see them again one day in Heaven, because I have done the same thing.

If you have accepted Jesus as your Savior and LORD this doesn't mean there won't be heartache, there won't be troubles and pain and sorrow and confusion and questions that don't seem to have a reasonable answer.  He didn't die for our problems, He died for our sins.  That may seem harsh, I'm not trying to seem that way, it's just truth.  Going back to what I said before, there is pain and sorrow on the earth because of sin.  Unfortunately our sins don't just effect us, they cause others pain and sorrow as well.  

But, there is wonderful hope for those who have chosen Christ!
"There will be trouble in this world, but take heart, I have overcome the world!"--Jesus